I Know It
by dillpops
Summary: [one shot] 'That’s why I’m glad you haven’t fallen in love with another, I’m glad. Because I know you’ll find that girl from the past again' - Merle, 10 years after the Destiny Wars


Wow, it's been a while since I wrote an Escaflowne fic, huh? I know it Ha, ha, sorry about that. I wrote another one but this small piece I wrote today and I'm very proud of. I've never really worked with Merle as a character, and I set this piece 10 years after the Destiny Wars and it's basically Merle talkingsometimes outloud to herself, and sometimes to Van. I want everyone to read it and please review, because I really felt emotional writing this, I'd been bawling my eyes out at the end of the series the same day! Don't get the wrong idea, this is ALL Van and Hitomi based!

They will be together. I just know it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne or anything like that.

* * *

I watched him grow up, I feel like he's still growing now. Even though it's been ten years since the Wars of Destiny, he's still maturing in so many ways. My Lord Van. He grew a beard a few years ago, it looks very regal on him, raven black to match his hair, he looks like a King, rather than a boy who looked like he'd just been crowned by mistake. 

'_Thanks Merle'_ he grinned widely at me as he tugged the hair, _'That was just what I wanted to hear'_

Of course it is, Lord Van, I will always say exactly what you want me too, even when you don't want to hear it. Like when he married Illaria. He was 24, too young for marriage in my opinion. Marriage ought to be for love, Van should have known that from his parents, marriage for politics is always unhappy.

He wasn't looking for happiness though, was he? He wanted to ensure the survival of Fanelia, to make sure it would never be destroyed again. I watched him struggle with the decision to become engaged; I tried to help him choose someone who met some standards. But our standards were always too high; after all, SHE set them.

Illaria ended up being the 'lucky girl'. A small backwater country's most precious Princess, I feel he chose her because he remembered the fate of another 'small backwater country' and didn't want it to meet the same fate. He's always been soft. I took one look at this girl though and decided I didn't like her.

'_You don't have to like her, just be nice. After all, she's in a strange country and has never even met me! Imagine how you'd feel to marry a perfect stranger'_

But how did you feel Lord Van? Telling me that, smiling, empathising with that girl, barely out of childhood herself, telling me to be nice to her because she needed the comfort. You needed comfort too though, didn't you my King?

The Kingdom was naturally overjoyed and the celebrations for the actual wedding ceremony lasted weeks. The first feast though, looking at the expression on Van's face, I could see the new couple were wishing the feast would never end, that they would never have to go to bed with someone they had just met, to consummate a marriage with a stranger, to wake up with an unfamiliar person. But they did it, I wanted Van to refuse, to say he didn't want to go to bed with her, to shout out to all who he missed more than anything, who he wanted more than anything.

He didn't. He couldn't. His duty came first. But he wanted to. I could see it in his eyes. Across the room of clowns and dancers, people high on drinks and euphoric with joy at seeing the King wed, our eyes met. In my shadowy corner he could see me and he knew I was judging him on this one choice. He made his choice, to follow through and protect the Kingdom of Fanelia, I could see the sorrow in his eyes as he took Illaria's hand to retire to his rooms. Their rooms.

My heart wrenched. I had only ever wanted one female ever to join him in there, and as much as people liked to speculate, it wasn't me. That stupid girl who'd left him, I wanted her in there, her to replace that shy, blushing, backwater girl and to heal my dear King's wounds. I wanted her in there as much as I wanted to beat her for never returning. That selfish girl who had left him, I gritted my teeth as I watched them go, pressing my claws into my palms. Turning, I left that room of joy and retreated to my own chamber, to try and forget what would happen next.

Who was he thinking of as he led Illaria to his room, as he allowed her to change behind a screen, to climb into the bed, her cheeks bright red as her hands shook? Or a teenager, a young girl who had annoyed him at first but had been led by fate's hand to be his?

Children arrived. Of course they would, this was what every kingdom hoped for and needed: heirs. Two of them, one after the other. One with Raven hair, the other with blonde, bright and happy children who adored their parents and whose parents loved them dearly. Parents who didn't love each other. They were happy together in their family, they were blessed with fortune; healthy children, a prosperous Kingdom. No one would suspect behind their public joy and more private coldness prevailed. Their smiles were always small, polite shows of affection.

'_Don't be silly Merle, she's the mother of my children'_

You never answered the question though, did you, Van? Whether you loved her? And didn't you notice that after you said it you stared down at your wife in the courtyard below with nothing more than bemusement? You couldn't figure out why you couldn't feel anything, why you never thought she would be more than a friend to you, why you never told her secrets like you told me.

You love your children, you don't love her, that's why you let her have her lovers and do not complain of unfaithfulness. That's why you sleep in separate chambers now. You make a show for everyone but me, Van. Everyone but me. You miss her, every breath you take is constricted by her absence. You walk to where Escaflowne lies, wondering whether if you wish hard enough she'll appear. You hold that pendant between your fingers whenever you hands are not occupied. When I come from behind you and touch your shoulder, the disappointment etched into your face when you turn around and discover who it is hurts me. I love you, Van, why can you not stop suffering, you make me suffer also to see you sad. If I could bring her back to you I would without a second thought, but I can't.

How can you love someone so much that even after ten years the feelings do not die, that you miss them everyday? I wonder if I will ever feel that emotion, but if it brings unhappiness, do I want to?

Sometimes I look up at the Mystic Moon, Earth, and think, she's up there somewhere, looking for you Van. One day, you'll find each other, but at the moment you just keep missing her. In autumn when you reach out to catch a dead leaf, but it tugs away from your fingers, that's what it's like, Van. But if you keep trying you'll catch one someday.

That's why I'm glad you haven't fallen in love with Illaria, I'm glad. Because I know you'll find that girl again, and when you do, you'll love her so much you will never let her go again and you'll both be so happy. I know she loves you too, that she feels the same detachment to people, I know it.

Shall I tell you how I know, Van? How I know that she loves you? Because I see her in my dreams. I'm not sure how, but they're real, I know that too. I see her with her own family, wit her husband, wondering the exact same way why she can't love him. And she's separated from him, it became too much and they're allowed to separate on the Mystic Moon. She's not bound like you are to Illaria to her husband. Her children ask her why she didn't love their daddy, and she says 'I did love him, just not how he wanted me to'. She looks at Gaea, yes, she can still see it, and sighs. She wants to be with you with all her heart, but her wishes don't grant as easily as they once did.

They will though, I can feel it. You just have to wait.

'_I'll be old and grey soon, Merle, but thanks for cheering me_ _up_' he laughs

I didn't cheer you up, did I, I troubled you, I troubled you even more than before? Maybe I don't always say what you want me to like you said I do. But you wanted to hear that she's waiting for you, didn't you, Van? I know you did. Your eyes filled up with tears at that thought, you didn't think I saw a stray trail of water drip into that regal beard of yours that I make fun of.

Someday you'll be happy Van, I know it. I'm not sure when, maybe you WILL be old and grey when your dream to be together comes true, but it will come true. And you can grow old together and live out your lives together. That is the fate I want for you, Van, to be buried next to that girl you love so much, to be together for eternity.

That girl from back then told me something too, she heard Dornkirk ask it of fate; _'Will this moment last forever? The moment created by two human hearts?'_.

It will. I just know it.

* * *

The End? 


End file.
